Why Personal Change Feels Impossible – And How to Finally Make it Happen

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If Change is so simple, why are we still stuck?

Social media is overflowing with formulas for how to become happier, more fulfilled, and able to maintain a healthy lifestyle. And yet, most of us still struggle to make the personal changes necessary to become the versions of ourselves that we envision. Why? While everyone’s challenges are unique, there are some common underlying forces that get in the way. Understanding these can help you to finally create lasting, meaningful change.

The Hidden Reason You Resist Change (Even When It Can Improve Your Life)

One major reason change feels so difficult is that we unconsciously find safety in our current self-identity – even when that identity is negative. The familiarity and comfort this offers can be so strong that we resist anything that threatens it.

For example, if you think of yourself as unattractive or unworthy, those beliefs may feel like facts.  The foundation for such self-perceptions is often formed in childhood and then maintained in adulthood. Psychologists call this self-verification – the tendency to seek out information that confirms your existing view of yourself, even when it is harmful. So even when you want to change, you may find yourself stuck in the same patterns: Why try something new if deep down you believe it won’t work?

Two Stages You Must Go Through Before Change Can Begin

According to the Transtheoretical Model of Change, people typically go through two stages before they’re ready to take real action:

·      Precontemplation: You have a problem but are not fully unaware of it, or are unwilling to acknowledge it. While others may see the issue clearly, you tend to deny responsibility. For instance, you might exclaim, "You made me react this way!" Because you see other people or circumstances as controlling your behavior, it’s easy to feel stuck and hopeless.

·      Contemplation: You begin to recognize you have a problem and consider change – but without commitment. You may spend so much time analyzing the issue and seeking solutions that you experience analysis paralysis, being so overwhelmed that you are unable to process all the information and make a decision. Some people linger in this stage for months or years.

Seen through the lens of self-verification, these difficulties make sense. Your familiar (and flawed) self-view feels safer than the uncertainty of change. So, you might not try something new because you feel “doomed to fail.”

What Finally Sparks Change: The Wake-Up Call That Shifts Everything

Most people move forward only when they experience a painful wake-up call – a moment or situation what shakes their current self-image. This emotional disruption launches them into them into the contemplation stage, where they start reflecting on, and rethinking, their patterns and choices. Eventually they develop insights that can lead to Preparation Stage, a time when you are ready to finally make real, meaningful changes.  

Thinking Through Change: Questions That Help You Move Forward

When you’re stuck, one of the most powerful things you can do is pause and ask yourself the right questions. This can help you to gain clarity on your desire to change and the beliefs and fears that are holding you back.

Reflect on these:

What makes me want to change?

How do I imagine my life will be better if I make this change?

What are the potential downsides of change? What am I afraid might happen?

Considering that change will take effort, what makes it worth the effort?

What steps could likely help me begin to change? (If you don’t know, then seeking guidance might be your first step.)

These questions can strengthen your resolve and motivate you to begin taking action. But if you still don’t feel ready, or your motivation fades, that’s a signal to approach your resistance with empathy and compassion.  

Compassionate Self-Awareness: The Key to Getting Unstuck

Even when you deeply want to change – eat healthier, feel more confident, or be more present – you may still find yourself stuck. This is where compassionate self-awareness becomes essential. This means being self-aware from a compassionate perspective.

Instead of giving up or beating yourself up for not making progress, ask:

Do I feel afraid or unsettled? Any change means doing something different, entering unknown territory. And this can be scary.

Does needing help make me feel vulnerable? Many people equate asking for help as being weak.

Am I too overwhelmed to act? Feeling too weighed down to act is a common struggle.

Is something else making me feel stuck? What might that be?

When you respond with compassionate self-awareness, you understand and empathize with your inner roadblocks instead of fighting them or giving up on yourself. With the nurturing warmth of compassion, your resistance softens and your emotional strength builds. Over time, this shift in how your relate to yourself empowers you to accept and issupport yourself like a trusted friend – motivating, encouraging, and standing by you when making a change gets hard.

Learn more by watching my three-minute video, Self-Love, A Source of Strength and Healing

How to Make Real Change Last: Start by Changing How You Relate to Yourself

Lasting change is about more than motivation or willpower. It requires shifting how you relate to yourself—especially when you feel stuck. Developing compassionate self-awareness can help you face your fears, challenge limiting beliefs, and take steady steps forward.

Change begins the moment you stop fighting yourself—and start supporting yourself instead.